I Try My Hand at Paper Making

About The Paperworks Group

The other day  I had the opportunity to fill in a part of my artistic education that has been missed up until now.  I went to the Paperworks Inc. studio at the M16 art workspace and gallery in Griffith, Canberra and learnt how to make paper.  For a gold coin donation I received instruction in how  to create a sheet of hand made paper from bits of old blue jeans.  

As someone who paints with watercolour onto Arches paper made from cloth, and as an amateur printmaker who likes to print onto handmade paper, I have  often wondered how cloth paper was made,  and thanks to some very friendly and helpful papermakers, I now know the basics.  

As I am new to Canberra I only recently discovered this group of very enthusiastic people who according to their literature: "Paperworks Inc is a not-for-profit social enterprise and incorporated association, founded in Canberra in 2009 by a group of volunteers with a shared vision of social inclusion through community art. Our organisational purpose is to bring together people of all backgrounds and abilities through creating handmade paper from recycled materials, including denim jeans and plant fibres. Paperworks Inc. is currently in its third and final year of business enterprise development funding through Disability ACT."

I have been attending some workshops run by the Artists Society of Canberra in the M16 complex, which is how I found out about this dedicated group of papermakers, who help disabled people and also provide fun classes for the community in general and have a vision of "social inclusion through community art" and  a mission of "Bringing people together through recycling, hand print- and papermaking." 

The Help They Need

Now that I have discovered them, I was rather dismayed to learn that due to financial constraints and a fall in grants, this group is currently seeking for new premises where they can continue to undertake their work of helping the community, especially people with disabilities.  They require a location that is inexpensive (free would be better), close to public transport and able to be accessed by people with disabilities.  If anyone in Canberra is aware of any location that might be a suitable premises please contact them at their   Paperwork Inc. Facebook Page for the present, as the website appears to be down at the time of writing this blog.   They really need help in finding a place so they can carry on their good work.   Interested persons may make donations to Paperworks Inc. Hands Across Canberra.

Getting Down to the Business of Paper Making

 

Below are some photos I took of the paper making process.  One pair of blue jeans (must be 100% cotton) makes between 15 and 20 sheets of paper (depending upon the size of the jeans).  If any material used is not 100% cotton the paper making process does not work properly.  One can test a material if its content is not known by burning a little piece with a match – 100% cotton burns without leaving a residue.   

The first step is to cut up the old jeans into tiny 1cm squares (a rather time consuming exercise).  Paperworks is lucky in having a machine that further  breaks these squares down into pulp, which save a lot of time and hard work when you are working with material as tough as denim.  

Once the broken down denim is obtained it is mixed with a small amount of gelatine (and water) to help bind the fibres better.  Denim is such a good material to use that often the gelatine is not even necessary - the fibres bind without it.   It is then a simple process of stirring up the mix (so the bits of pulp are in suspension throughout the fluid) and placing the framed wire mesh boards into the mix, vertically down the sides of the container and then moving them horizontal before lifting them up to the surface.  On the way up the wire mesh catches the fibres and the water falls through the mess.   Once the water has been allowed to run off for a minute or two, the mesh boards are tipped over and placed onto some dry cloth with a board under it.  Pressure is applied to the back of the mess to remove excess water and push the pulp onto the cloth.  After the frame is lifted away the pulp remains on the surface of the cloth and it is all then left to dry. Once dry it is a simple task to remove the paper from the cloth by simply pulling on and  stretching out the drying cloth causing  it to release from the paper, which can then be lifted off (and ironed if necessary).   It was a warm day and my piece of paper was dry on the cloth after being left inside the car for a short while whilst I did some shopping.  How easy is that! I have a sheet I made and some that I purchased - can't wait to try printing my lino cuts onto them to see how they look.  

The small cut up pieces of denim ready to be placed into the pupling machine.

The container of water, gelatine and pulped denim.

The frame with wire mesh and some pulp on its drying cloth.

 

Sheet of blue denim paper.

Of course, denim isn't the only natural fibre that can be made into paper and at the Paperworks they use all sorts of natural materials.  I had notice about 2 weeks before, when I looked out the window at M16, a group of people were busily doing something with what looked like tulip leaves and I wondered if someone had made a clandestine raid at Canberra's Floriade.  As I later found out, tulip leaves make very good paper and the Paperworks members had been lucky enough to be given some of Floriade's waste foliage to use for paper making, with the result that one of the member's garage now looks like this photo: 

Tulip stems and leaves drying in preparation for paper making.

 

 

 You can read more about making paper from Floriade's tulips on their  Paperworks Inc. Facebook Page.

The group had set out an interesting display featuring different types of paper and showing what the pulp for each type looked like. 

Paper made from tulip leaves. 

Other types featured included paper made from items such as corn, flax and Ginkgo Biloba.  It was interesting to note the difference in appearance based on what was the main ingredient:

Cotton, Ginkgo Biloba and Flax

Corn, Ginkgo Biloba and a small amount of Cotton

Corn, Flax and Gingko Biloba

Denim, Flax and Gingko Biloba

Examples of different pulps:

Paperworks make a number of lovely gift items, which are sold at locations around Canberra.  Below are some examples of items produced by them and by the Friday morning workgroup. 

Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed my visit to Paperworks Inc. and I can really see how it would be easy to become addicted to papermaking.  Even though sometimes there is a bit of work involved it seems well worth it when you look at some of the lovely items that can be made using the beautifully textured sheets.  One of these days (time and money permitting) I reckon I might just buy a papermaking kit and have a bit more of a play. 

The making of the tulip paper is now well under way and it will be available soon.  For further information check their Paperworks Inc. Facebook page.  By the way, denim jeans are always needed, so if you have any old jeans (100% cotton only) they would be happy to have them. 

Cheers. 

Artists Society of Canberra and Me

Hi all,

Sorry it has been a while since I blogged on this site - I don't know where the days go!

Since moving to Canberra I have joined a number of art societies, including the ASOC - Artists Society of Canberra.  Everyone seems to be very welcoming and friendly and they hold meetings once a month.  The meetings usually have a guest speaker and are well attended.  I was invited to join the committee, but declined as I felt being so new to Canberra I was not informed enough about the art scene to be of use, nevertheless I did accept the position as their new librarian.  They have an excellent library of items including books, videos, magazines and DVD's and the library is well patronized by the members.  The only headache is the fact that it is stored in a Microsoft Access database (with more than a few limitations and idiosyncrasies ) on an ancient laptop running Microsoft software, and I'm an Apple girl!  Anyway, after a bit of swearing,  a long passage of time, a splitting headache and finally some help from my partner, I think I have grasped the hang of it, at least to the point I can operate it enough to book loans in and out and add new entries.   I've spent quite a bit of time doing a stocktake of every item and also doing my best to repair any torn jacket covers on the books.  I must say that it  is good being the librarian as I get first look at all the new purchases and some of the DVD's are excellent.

ASOC runs workgroups throughout the week where artists with the same interests can get together in the ASOC studio space at M16 to work together and learn from each other.  This costs each workgroup member the grand sum of $2 per week! I have joined an Artistic Expressions and a Printmaking Workgroup to date and am now mixing with a keen and  helpful bunch of friendly people.

I am also fortunate in that I happened to meet (at a coffee and donut shop) a very talented artist named Val Fitzpatrick, who kindly invited me to join her art classes for 2 1/2 hrs a week.  Val is a qualified art tutor as well as a talented artist and can turn her hand to any medium, but particularly likes mixed media and texture.  As fate would have it, Val was a member of the ASOC and happened to be the guest speaker at the last meeting, a few days after I met her and where she talked about a new technique she developed using soft oil pastels and soft pastels together in a particular fashion to create wonderful art.  She very kindly squeezed me into her studio along with about 6 other students, so I was very lucky to be invited to join them.  They all seem a lovely bunch of ladies and I have attended two classes to date and am looking forward to the third.

The ASOC has had a Facebook site for a while, which because they have such a good website, has been a bit neglected by its members.  Yours truly has now also been made an admin for the Facebook page and so I have spent the last week trying to drum up some traffic and interest in the site from the members and hopefully from the general public.  I am hoping that it will become a site where both groups, members and the public,  can chat, exchange information and art tips, be advised of art exhibitions and showcase their latest works, along with links to any sites they may have.  I have set up a couple of photo albums and would like to set up lots more in the future.  When I took it over  last week we had 8 likes - to date we have 14, admittedly a little less than I had hoped for (!) but I am hopeful that numbers will increase once the next newsletter is out and members are made aware of its existence.  Having said that, if anyone has reached this part of my blog without falling asleep, could I beg a favour and request that you check it out and "like" and "share" the site to anyone you think may be interested?  This is the link for it

 Artists Society of Canberra Facebook Page
 
and if you would like to check out the ASOC website it is at

Artists Society of Canberra Website Address

Any suggestions as to how I can make this Facebook page the best art society Facebook page on the planet are most welcome (positive comments only please). 

Thank and Cheers.

A Mosaic Revisited

Welcome to my somewhat neglected blog.

Back on  Sunday, 7th August 2011, I wrote a blog "Out and About Looking at Mosaics" which was about some local mosaics I had photographed, one of which was at Morgan, South Australia.

Imagine my surprise when someone contacted me about that mosaic (OMG somone read my blog!).  The someone was in fact Barbi Harris, the artist who designed it (OMG the artist actually found my blog!).

In her email Barbi wrote:

I am the artist responsible for  creating those mosaics.
At the time I was living in Morgan, and organised the mosaics as a community project.  The design is mine (after consultation with the participants as to what they wanted portrayed), and I engaged a professional mosaic artist to help us (Mike Tye from Goolwa SA.)
There were 8 local residents besides myself and Mike involved in the project, and it took a total of 384 hours to complete. We gained a commendation in the SA Great Awards for that year.

After that project a few of us decided to keep going and we created another mosaic of the old council logo, which, when I left town was hanging outside the council offices.

I thought this was of great interest and I was impressed that Barbi and her friends had won an Award for their efforts and amazed at how long it took them to complete their task.  I decided I would re-post images of  the mosaic here along with the additional old Morgan Council logo mosaic and the information that Barbi kindly sent to me, as it is always of interest to know the background relating to a work of art.

Old Morgan Council photo courtesy of Barbi Harris

 

Barbi has an extensive history as an artist and was an inaugural member of the Painters of the Flinders Ranges Art Group, and  some might remember her as the artist in residence at the Tatachilla Winery at Port Willunga.  Sadly for us, she  no longer lives in South Australia,  but she is still  making Pelicans.  It turns out Barbi discovered my blog whilst searching for photos of pelicans to assist with her latest project - a papier mache pelican.   Barbi  currently works within the mental health industry, and uses art as a recovery tool for those who are interested in either furthering their artistic interests or who want to just try.  She has been commissioned to run five 2 hr workshops (once a week for 5 weeks), and they are going to make some large papier mache sculptures.  Barbi apparently  first got interested in papier mache when she was working in WA with  disabled people, and together they made a big pelican.

I think it is wonderful how artists like Barbi are able to help foster community spirit and co-operation,  as well as help those who are working to overcome the problems associated with various types of disabilities.  I wish her and her friends every success in their endeavour and perhaps we might see some photos of the papier mache sculptures in due course.  My thanks to Barbi for forwarding the background information.

Cheers
Heather. 

What is Sunprinting?

Greetings all, sorry it has been so long since I wrote something here.  Have been a little bsy of late.  For those with an interest in art photography, this is a little bit of research I have undertaken.

At a recent exhibition one of the entrants  exhibited some beautifully detailed art described as “Sun Prints.”  As I admired them I wondered to myself, “What exactly is an art sun print?” I decided to do some research on the matter and I have probably only touched on the basics about this process, and I may not have everything correct, but this is what I found out about differing types of sun printing.  

Inkodye - Sun Printing On Fabric Using Light Oxidized Fabric Vat Dyes:  In this process fabric is painted with one or more dyes, which are in a chemical colourless form, and which can be concentrated or diluted as required.  Opaque objects may then be placed on top of the dyed surface prior to placing it in the sun.   The area underneath each object remains hidden from the sun, and the  remainder of the dyed area develops the colours after about 15 minutes exposure to sunlight.  Instead of oxygen, UV light is used to cause the complex chemical reactions to occur which change the chemicals, making the fabric permanently coloured.  In those areas that were not exposed, no reactions occur so when the dye is washed away the fabric remains unchanged.  Changing the opacity of the objects placed on the fabric also results in subtle colour changes if a small amount of UV light is able to pass through them to react with the dye.   

Traditional Cyanotype - Blue Printing:    Sun printing can take a number of forms, but what they all have in common is that they use the sun’s  UV light as the agent to develop the print.  Images are formed and the degree of light or dark will depend upon how much UV light reaches the treated surface.   A very old form of sun printing is a method called “blue printing” or “cyanotype printing”, which can be used to create interesting works of art and was also used as an early form of photography and is used for making architectural blueprints.  Generally, the chosen surface is treated with a solution containing potassium ferricyanide and  ferric ammonium citrate, then items are placed upon it to form the desired images and it is exposed to the sun and left to dry. This causes a chemical reduction reaction to occur involving the transfer of iron electrons and (from the latin)   “a blue compound of iron”  ferricferrocyanide is formed, which is one of a number of Prussian Blue pigments.   The amount of light, the concentration of the solutions and the opacity of the items used will all control the colour tones that result.    Photographs are blue and white instead of black and white.  The colour can be either intensified or reduced or actually changed if other chemical reagents are added to the solution, some of which are rather interesting e.g. oolong tea, wine and cat urine (you just have to wonder how that last additive was discovered?!).  

Easy Printing From A Photographic Negative Using Sun Printing Paper:  If you don’t wish to mess around with nasty chemicals, this looks like a really fun way to make interesting sun prints using old photographic negatives and special light sensitive watercolour sun printing paper or solar photographic paper.  The special papers can be obtained from photographic suppliers and even Amazon.com. I found examples of this paper at Freestyle.

According to the instructions you choose your negative(s), or pieces of negatives and place them on your sun printing paper in any design you want.  Most suppliers recommend using negatives which have good colour contrast with well defined light and dark areas.  Then you simply place a sheet of glass (not UV protective glass) on top and move it into the sun for 5-15 minutes if it is a bright day, or 30 minutes or more if it is overcast.  Once the paper has been exposed sufficiently simply rinse it under running water until the run off water turns clear.  Dry it flat.  

Lithographic Sun Printing:  A negative printing plate for lithographic printing is carefully prepared using gelatine and the oxidizing agent potassium dichromate.  In a dark room a coating of gelatine is applied to the printing plate and dried.  After this a diluted potassium dichromate solution is applied and dried.  The printing plate is then removed from the dark room and after 30 minutes exposure to  bright sunlight  the gelatine exposed to the light is tanned.  The untanned gelatine is then removed by washing it away, leaving a relief print behind.  This can then be inked and hand rolled and pressed to produce prints.

Setacolour:  From what I can find out, and I may be incorrect, the Setacolour type light sensitive fabric paints are a different process to those mentioned above.  With Setacolour, which is a paint not a dye, the paint already has the colour and it is set in the fabric by the heat from the Sun’s Infa Red radiation.  The heat dries the paint faster in the areas exposed to the sun.  Those areas covered by the objects placed on the fabric remain wet longer. Infra Red heat causes the paint to be drawn away from under the objects towards the faster drying areas, concentrating the colour in those areas. The fabric requires additional heat (ironing) to make it permanent.  

I can’t wait to try some of these techniques in future – I have just discovered a whole new source of creative activity that I never knew existed.  If anyone tries any of these please send us some photos.  

Photo source

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/c4/Anna_Atkins_algae_cyanotype.jpg

Public Domain photo of a photogram of Algae, made by Anna Atkins as part of her 1843 book, Photographs of British Algae: Cyanotype Impressions, the first book composed entirely of photographic images. "Courtesy of The New York Public Library www.nypl.org."

 

Photogram created by slices of lemon on colour photographic paper.  Photo courtesy of  Cormaggio This file is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike1.0 Generic license.

Well that is it for now.  All my art and craft activities are on hold until after I have moved to Canberra.  Everything is packed away and I just have a few tubes of watercolour paint to play with for the moment.  

Cheers all, until next time and happy creating.

Heather.

Heatherian's Glimpses - new website

Hi all

Sorry I haven't been blogging here much of late - been rather busy with Uni.  Anyway, part of my web communications exercises was to set up a website and some connecting sites, so I have created a new website which I intend to be permanent called Heatherian's Glimpses.  

It will just be a showcase for my work and some friends and any other Australian artist who contacts me and wants to put their work on there.  There is also a blog attached, which has some recent posts on it and lots of links to my other sites.  I now have a new sites too at Pictify, Delicious and Flickr which I will be maintaining.    Am about to submit it all to uni today (so nervous!). 

Anyway I need a few facebook likes etc. so if anyone wants to check it out and like that would be great.  Have a great day.  Cheers.

Hi all

Sorry this blog has been neglected for so long.  Doing full time Uni online has left me little time for anything, including artwork and blogging.  I just received my results for the first two units, which were Art and Creativity and Issues in Contemporary Art.   I am pleased to say that I passed (thank God).  I'm now trying to tackle the next two units, Web Communications and Printmaking.  Passed the first printmaking assignment with a credit - just sent off my second (a big important one).  Now I have to get cracking on the next assignment for Web Communications and I'm two weeks behind (the story of my life!). 

As part of Web Communications I have to set up a whole new web presence online, which means I have to set up a new blog somewhere and about 4 other sites.  So far I have set up a Delicious.com one, a new Twitter one (Heatherian02), I've joined Google+ (I needed another social networking site to keep up with like I needed a hole in the head!). 

I am still trying to be the editor of the PCAC Newsletter too, so naturally my house is looking like a rubbish tip on a bad day.  The cat, chooks and birds are all sulking because they are feeling neglected and  are seeking affection elsewhere.  Sootypuss is now almost permanently and sulkily parked in Ron's lap and the chooks are camped on the back door mat full time, in the hopes of a kind word (or food magically appearing).  And we have acquired another stray cat (really needed that as well).  He was semi wild and is starting to tame up.  Cost us over $500 at the vet when we found him all beat up - so got him fixed up, desexed, immunised, etc. etc. etc.  He responds to "Puss Puss" so I guess that is his name now (really original that).  Needless to say Sooty Puss is not impressed and there's a sort of fragile truce in place at the moment which allows for no encroaching into personal space.  There's a similar truce on the back door mat as the cat and chooks compete for territory (cluck, cluck, sqawk, hiss, hiss).  Of course the chooks and back yard birds are all trying to steal the cat's food, so I am now feeding him inside.  Also trying to keep him in at night so he doesn't cost us more money.

I am enjoying printmaking (except for assignments) and wish I had more time to spend on it.  I just completed a lino print for printmaking - the theme had to be about transformation.  I chose to depict the way in which sunlight and water have transformed the planet - creating landforms, atmosphere, climate, life in the water on land and in the air.  I printed it on yellow silk paper (yellow for the sun light) which is made from products produced by living beings (silkworms), which I thought was appropriate for a work about life being created.   Anyway, this is it: 

My new Delicious.com site, if anyone is interested is at http://www.delicious.com/heatherian01.
It has mostly printmaking and a few art links at this stage. 
Anyway, I better go now.  This blog was a little bit of procrastination on my part - I've been avoiding doing my Web Communications stuff all day so far, so I better get cracking.

Cheers all. 

Heather.

The Menopause Blog (not suitable for women under 50)

Sorry, this is not an art blog again (I'm falling down a bit in that area lately - sorry) it's one for the girls.

Greetings sisters,

If you are a female and of "that" age and gone past your reproductive use by date, you know that we all have those days (weeks, months, years....) when life does not have a rosey hue, even if our face does. I have just arisen from another sleepless night and am sitting here in total frustration soaked to my itchy skin wondering why my body has turned against me and wanting desperately to bawl my eyes out (for the umpteenth time this week).

I have therefore decided to provide a location for angry or teary menopausal women everywhere to verbalize their feelings about this condition. Let this be a place where you can either voice your rage against the universe that bestowed this hormonal plague upon you or write something to give us all a much needed laugh.

Now, before I begin, if you are one of those really annoying women who positively breeze through menopause without a bead of sweat upon your brow, your libido still intact and no whiskers on your chinny chin chin, then this is definitely not the blog for you, however in the interest of fairness to sisters one and all, by all means contribute if you wish but please have some sympathy and try not to make the rest of us feel even worse. If however, you are scratching, sweating, bawling and wondering how life all went so very, very wrong, then please go get your towel and take a seat.

Anyway, today as I dried (and then dried and dried and tried to dry again) my body after my morning shower (I don't know why I bother - there can't be dirt on me anywhere as the sweat would have washed it all away), I started pondering this unhappy condition. What follows are a few random thoughts (logical thought is now beyond me) that popped into my head where at least a few brain cells remain somewhat intact.... er, where was I? Oh yes, popped into my head..... what follows are a few random thoughts on the subject.

One last comment before we start. If anyone out their has a cure that will not increase my risk of breast cancer, cervical cancer, ovarian cancer, stroke, heart attack, haemorroids or poverty, then please CONTACT ME NOW!!!!!!!

Anyway, here are this morning's rambling thoughts about how life has recently been for me:

Aaaahhh! Fat attack! It doesn't make sense - I just lost those 2 kilos and now in 2 days they're back and I haven't even eaten 2 kilos worth of food - what is that? Fluid, it's gotta be fluid! But it can't be - I haven't drunk that much either! Maybe the scales are broken, that it, the scales are broken! Ahhhh....sob.......my life is over.......sob.......

Libido, libido, where for art thou libido? Wait, who comes there - chocolate? Is that you chocolate.....?

At last, my life has reached a period where there is no period.

Look Terry, oh Great Terrydacktill of the Universe, whilst I know that all my life when I've been really busy I've been saying "I'm so busy I wish there were two of me", and whilst I really appreciate you finally answering my prayers, I think there has been a little misunderstanding. I didn't really mean the two of me to be in the same body! Sob.......my life is over.......sob.......

When I had my periods I used to comfort myself with the thought that "Oh well, at least I don't have to shave off a beard every day...." Who knew!

I wonder if Nair really works? I wonder if its carcinogenic - but if it kills the whiskers will it kill me too. Sob...I wish I were dead....sob

But I'm a red head, genetically we have less hair follicles than any other hair type so how can I be getting hairier armpits? Eeek, my eyebrows are starting to curl upwards. Oh no! I'm beginning to look like John Howard! Waghhhh - I'm so hairy now wagghhhhhh......sob....hiccup....etc.

Why is this so difficult - I used to be able to paint my own toenails. What does it matter anyway who will look at me now that I'm going to have naked toenails.... If I can't reach to paint them, how will I cut them - they'll grow long and turn into claws - I'll start looking like an evil anime cartoon character - Oh no! I'll become the long-clawed, stubble chinned evil witch of the baby boomers.

I wonder just how much sweat a container of baby powder will really absorb?

Well why doesn't anti-perspirant come in 1kg bottles?

Why are my boobs sore, why am I so teary, what's the matter with me? NO, it couldn't be - its been 18 months, I'm in menopause now for goodness sake! NO, its not possible, I can't be ovulating - please God, don't let there have been one last evil little egg lurking, waiting to catch me unawares. I thought they had gone for good - please don't let me have a period, please, please, please. But what if its not that - what if its ovarian cancer. I wish I could remember what my life was like before I worried over every little health issue?

How do people have menopause babies - is it possible some women still retain their sex drive? I read somewhere that menopausal women can get an even stronger sex drive. If that's the case how come I don't have one - that's just not fair - what have I done to deserve this - where's my new improved libido - how come I miss out? Not fair... my sex life is over.......sob..etc.

No! Don't come near me I'm too hot! No I did not mean it that way! Out of my way please, I need to open the windows.......where's the damn air conditioner remote gone? What do you mean it's not hot, what are you talking about, of course it's hot!

DON'T ARGUE WITH ME PLEASE!!!! I don't have enough hormones left in my body to want to kiss and make up....

I just don't understand how even when I don't drink much I still sweat so much - where's it all coming from? I know it is possible to turn water into oxygen and hydrogen. Does that mean I've developed the ability to do the reverse - that's it - breathing causes sweating. Maybe I've discovered a whole new realm of physics........I'll be famous! But wait, I'm in menopause - I probably won't live long enough develop the theory and become famous......aghhhhhh.......I'm never going to be famous........aaghhhhhhhhh....sob......

In the past it was risky enough wearing white on some days, but now that I'm sweating so much I'll never be able to wear white again drat it.

I'm sure all those morbid country and western type truckin' songs were written by menopausal women.

God was obviously male - no self respecting female deity would have invented menopause. Men! Hmmphf! Mutter, mutter, snarl, snarl, sweat, snarl, sob, snarl......

Why is it called menopause? Is it because it is a warning to men that there is a time when men should "pause" to think before they speak around women of a certain age?

I used to care what people thought about me - now thank's to menopause I don't give a fat rat's you know what about it (sob, that's not really true.... sob.....I really want someone to love me now that I'm hideous and hairy and my life is over.......sob.......)

To shave or to pluck, that is the question? To suffer the pain of outrageous tweezers or the hideous look of a shaving rash?


WHAT DO YOU MEAN GRUMPY, WHO'S GRUMPY?!!!!!!! MOODY, WHAT DO YOU MEAN MOODY!!! I've never been grumpy in my life, how dare you say such a thing to me (sob).....oh God, I am grumpy, why am I so grumpy... (sob). I'm not nice anymore ...but it's not my fault - it the hormones you see, the hormones I tell you...they are controlling me.....IT'S THE BLOODY HORMONES, THE HORMONES... they have me in their evil grasp.....evil (sob) grasp...

How did I get like this? It was never meant to be like this? Did my mother go through this? I don't remember seeing her sweat? Was I so selfish and insensitive that I didn't notice her suffering? (Oh no, ....I was an insensitive daughter......(sob).......how could I have not noticed.....(blubber blubber) ......I'm an insensitive cow.......(major bawl session)..etc.

I'm sure I'm single-handedly responsible for keeping Kleenex in good business....

Don't argue with me, if you value life, limbs and your dangley bits just get out of my way!

Will screaming at the top of my lungs really help I wonder? Maybe I should punch cushions? Maybe I should just punch any unsympathetic male that gets in my way....mmmm....that option has possibilities....a certain appeal .....but it would require energy - have I got enough energy left to punch? Perhaps I'll punch tomorrow (where did I put the damn chocolate?) sigh...

Soooooo tired! Sleep, I vaguely remember sleep....it's something I used to be able to do before my life was over......

God, I'm sweating so much I've fogged up my glasses. How is that possible!

Depressed, what would I have to be depressed about. It's normal to gain weight during menopause. At least I've now got somewhere upon which to rest my elbows.

Why is it that any cousellor they send you to for help with your minor menopausal mid life crisis is either barely out of kindergarten or looks like Elle McPherson on a really good day?

Why does Johnny Depp look prettier than me (be still my fluttering heart (or you'll have stroke))?

All any policeman would have to do to track a menopausal cat burglar would be to follow the sweat droplets on the pavement (or the smashed objects).

Favourite new phrase that exactly sums up how I feel about work, life, the universe: CARE FACTOR ZERO! Naturally this does not apply to cute, cuddly, furry little things. Mmm, and also to not so cute furry big things too, and animals, and whales, yes whales, I still care about them, oh and dolphins, dolphins too, and butterflies they're so beautiful they make me...(sob).... want (sob)....to cry (sob)...... WHERE'S THE BLOODY TISSUES WHEN YOU NEED ONE GRRRRR!!!!! .... where was I, what was I saying - oh yes - care factor zero - it's the rest of the planet with the exception of the above, that can go drop off and leave me alone......I think........but I'm not quite sure.......(sob, etc....AGAIN!.....sob)....ahh look a flower...isn't it pretty....(sob, sob, ad infinitum....)

You'd think something with a name like "rosacea" would be pretty to look at - like roses.

I am actually convinced that there has been a mistranslation of biblical texts. I think a whole section has been left out and it went something like this: "And God said unto Eve as he cast her from the garden, for your sin of wanting knowledge ye shall suffer the menopause and verily thou shalt drown in a sea of thine own sweat."

Stress + coffee + sugar = sweat.
Stress + coffee + sugar + chocolate = sweat + fat , but who cares.

If men went through menopause the following would have been invented millenia ago:

- a cooling fabric that miraculously absorbs moisture

- an automatically operated bed which monitors body temperature and gently removes and replaces sheets as required, whilst its occupant sleeps on blissfully undisturbed

- a booth you could step into which sprays you gently from base to apex all over with anti-perspirant which lasts 24 hours, isn't carcinogenic and won't cause alzheimers

- knickers with little sponges built into the elastic at the back to catch the sweat before it runs down between your cheeks

- non fogging glasses no matter the temperature or humidity either side of the lenses

- absorbent body powder that stays as powder and doesn't turn into something 2 seconds later that looks and feels like pancake mix spread over your skin

- mirrors that are programmed to reflect back a wrinkle, fat and hair free reflection

- long handled brushes for the painting of toe nails

- steel capped pretty shoes that let you kick the ...... out of anything you want without hurting your little pinkys

- more resilient cushion covers.

The only reason I can see that women haven't invented these things yet is because they don't realize they need them until menopause hits and by then its too late because menopausal brain rot is already setting in and they vaguely know there is something they should be doing, but are no longer capable of remembering what it is or how to do it.

Then again, I suppose if men had been gifted with menopause I guess they still wouldn't have invented the much needed abovementioned items for the same reason. Oh dear.....they'll probably never be invented unless we can convince some younger women to do it for us, and that's not going to happen either - have you ever tried explaining to a younger person what menopause is like - they just don't believe you (sob), they just don't understand (double sob), they think we are making it all up - that it can't be that bad (aaghhhhh ....my life....etc. etc.).

I suppose all one can do when faced with the fact that men and younger women won't invent them for us either, is to make men's lives a misery and to comfort ourselves with thoughts of the wicked, evil, smug satisfaction we know we are going to feel later when those skinny, hairless, unwrinkled, always cold, unsympathetic young girls also hit menopause and we are able to say those long awaited words "See, I told you so and you wouldn't believe me.....no, it doesn't end any time soon.....mmmmm, 10 years at least, 10 long, long, itchy, sweaty years.....still, yep, sometimes even into their 80's.....pity someone didn't invent an automatic bed isn't it....mmm......no, no deodorant will work..... " (ha, ha, haaaaaaah, haa..... my life is good....ha ha...not over.....ha....chuckle, snicker, chuckle...(sorry - a secret, rare moment of vengeful bliss) (mwaa haa haaaa - thought I'd throw in an evil laugh there as well....mmwhaaaaa haaaa haaaaaaaaa haaaaaa haaaaaaaa..)).


Well, as you can see from the above, it's been another fun morning here in menopause land. I think I'm going for a record today as it is only 9.30 and already I'm on my second t-shirt... (ho hum sigh....).

I offer no apologies for the tone of this blog - it's how I feel today (would you believe I blame menopause for it myself). Actually, I'm all by myself today as Ron has gone out (so I guess it doesn't matter that my libido has also done the same) and I better go and do something more important now like look for the coffee, chocolate or maybe perhaps a biscuit or two (ah comfort food). You know someone told me the other day, I can't remember who it was but they had it on good authority, that not only do broken Tim Tams not make you fat (and we all knew that), but that they are also great hormone balancers as well - how's that for a handy bit of information. I think I might just pop into the supermarket and pick myself up a packet of hormone replacement therapy.

This is not a group blog site, however if anyone else out there in menopause land is tearing their hair out in frustration (hopefully their chin hair - not what's left on their head which seems to disappear in direct ratio to the appearance of whiskers and eyebrows) and would like to contribute, I will happily place your words of wisdom (or whatever) in this blog - just email them to me or put them into the comments and I will transfer them to the blog. You may remain anonymous if you so choose. Feel free to circulate this to anyone else you feel might benefit from knowing that they are not the only one experiencing the joys of this fun time.

Cheers everyone (enjoy your broken Tim Tams).


Heather.


Heres's a first comment from one of my friends (thanks AG) (and a link about the drug mentioned - I will leave readers to make up their own minds about the drug which I cannot use, but which may be of interest to others: http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/womens-health/medicines/progynova.html)


Excuse me? I thought you worked in a HEALTHFOOD STORE. Do such stores not have a veritable plethora of shelves full of menopausal remedies??? I seem to remember many years ago when I (briefly) entered that phase, you were swearing by all sorts of non-prescription, natural type cures, Black Cohosh being the only one I can recall all these years later. So what happened ??? Have you now decided that homeopathic remedies are not all they're cracked up to be, after all? You can buy a cool gel underlay for the bed which will stop the night sweats, & go on a low dose single HRT like Progynova. It doesn't cause cancer, & stops the day sweats, whiskers etc. etc. etc.

And another comment from another friend (thanks DM):

Hi Heather loved your article on Menopause. I found brushing your eyebrows up and cutting the the hairs that stray above one of the easiest ways to keep them in control, better than tying ribbons on them, besides, the ribbons get in the way of your glasses!