Friday, 10 February 2012

The Menopause Blog (not suitable for women under 50)

Sorry, this is not an art blog again (I'm falling down a bit in that area lately - sorry) it's one for the girls.

Greetings sisters,

If you are a female and of "that" age and gone past your reproductive use by date, you know that we all have those days (weeks, months, years....) when life does not have a rosey hue, even if our face does. I have just arisen from another sleepless night and am sitting here in total frustration soaked to my itchy skin wondering why my body has turned against me and wanting desperately to bawl my eyes out (for the umpteenth time this week).

I have therefore decided to provide a location for angry or teary menopausal women everywhere to verbalize their feelings about this condition. Let this be a place where you can either voice your rage against the universe that bestowed this hormonal plague upon you or write something to give us all a much needed laugh.

Now, before I begin, if you are one of those really annoying women who positively breeze through menopause without a bead of sweat upon your brow, your libido still intact and no whiskers on your chinny chin chin, then this is definitely not the blog for you, however in the interest of fairness to sisters one and all, by all means contribute if you wish but please have some sympathy and try not to make the rest of us feel even worse. If however, you are scratching, sweating, bawling and wondering how life all went so very, very wrong, then please go get your towel and take a seat.

Anyway, today as I dried (and then dried and dried and tried to dry again) my body after my morning shower (I don't know why I bother - there can't be dirt on me anywhere as the sweat would have washed it all away), I started pondering this unhappy condition. What follows are a few random thoughts (logical thought is now beyond me) that popped into my head where at least a few brain cells remain somewhat intact.... er, where was I? Oh yes, popped into my head..... what follows are a few random thoughts on the subject.

One last comment before we start. If anyone out their has a cure that will not increase my risk of breast cancer, cervical cancer, ovarian cancer, stroke, heart attack, haemorroids or poverty, then please CONTACT ME NOW!!!!!!!

Anyway, here are this morning's rambling thoughts about how life has recently been for me:

Aaaahhh! Fat attack! It doesn't make sense - I just lost those 2 kilos and now in 2 days they're back and I haven't even eaten 2 kilos worth of food - what is that? Fluid, it's gotta be fluid! But it can't be - I haven't drunk that much either! Maybe the scales are broken, that it, the scales are broken! life is over.......sob.......

Libido, libido, where for art thou libido? Wait, who comes there - chocolate? Is that you chocolate.....?

At last, my life has reached a period where there is no period.

Look Terry, oh Great Terrydacktill of the Universe, whilst I know that all my life when I've been really busy I've been saying "I'm so busy I wish there were two of me", and whilst I really appreciate you finally answering my prayers, I think there has been a little misunderstanding. I didn't really mean the two of me to be in the same body! life is over.......sob.......

When I had my periods I used to comfort myself with the thought that "Oh well, at least I don't have to shave off a beard every day...." Who knew!

I wonder if Nair really works? I wonder if its carcinogenic - but if it kills the whiskers will it kill me too. Sob...I wish I were dead....sob

But I'm a red head, genetically we have less hair follicles than any other hair type so how can I be getting hairier armpits? Eeek, my eyebrows are starting to curl upwards. Oh no! I'm beginning to look like John Howard! Waghhhh - I'm so hairy now wagghhhhhh......sob....hiccup....etc.

Why is this so difficult - I used to be able to paint my own toenails. What does it matter anyway who will look at me now that I'm going to have naked toenails.... If I can't reach to paint them, how will I cut them - they'll grow long and turn into claws - I'll start looking like an evil anime cartoon character - Oh no! I'll become the long-clawed, stubble chinned evil witch of the baby boomers.

I wonder just how much sweat a container of baby powder will really absorb?

Well why doesn't anti-perspirant come in 1kg bottles?

Why are my boobs sore, why am I so teary, what's the matter with me? NO, it couldn't be - its been 18 months, I'm in menopause now for goodness sake! NO, its not possible, I can't be ovulating - please God, don't let there have been one last evil little egg lurking, waiting to catch me unawares. I thought they had gone for good - please don't let me have a period, please, please, please. But what if its not that - what if its ovarian cancer. I wish I could remember what my life was like before I worried over every little health issue?

How do people have menopause babies - is it possible some women still retain their sex drive? I read somewhere that menopausal women can get an even stronger sex drive. If that's the case how come I don't have one - that's just not fair - what have I done to deserve this - where's my new improved libido - how come I miss out? Not fair... my sex life is over.......sob..etc.

No! Don't come near me I'm too hot! No I did not mean it that way! Out of my way please, I need to open the windows.......where's the damn air conditioner remote gone? What do you mean it's not hot, what are you talking about, of course it's hot!

DON'T ARGUE WITH ME PLEASE!!!! I don't have enough hormones left in my body to want to kiss and make up....

I just don't understand how even when I don't drink much I still sweat so much - where's it all coming from? I know it is possible to turn water into oxygen and hydrogen. Does that mean I've developed the ability to do the reverse - that's it - breathing causes sweating. Maybe I've discovered a whole new realm of physics........I'll be famous! But wait, I'm in menopause - I probably won't live long enough develop the theory and become famous......aghhhhhh.......I'm never going to be famous........aaghhhhhhhhh....sob......

In the past it was risky enough wearing white on some days, but now that I'm sweating so much I'll never be able to wear white again drat it.

I'm sure all those morbid country and western type truckin' songs were written by menopausal women.

God was obviously male - no self respecting female deity would have invented menopause. Men! Hmmphf! Mutter, mutter, snarl, snarl, sweat, snarl, sob, snarl......

Why is it called menopause? Is it because it is a warning to men that there is a time when men should "pause" to think before they speak around women of a certain age?

I used to care what people thought about me - now thank's to menopause I don't give a fat rat's you know what about it (sob, that's not really true.... sob.....I really want someone to love me now that I'm hideous and hairy and my life is over.......sob.......)

To shave or to pluck, that is the question? To suffer the pain of outrageous tweezers or the hideous look of a shaving rash?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN GRUMPY, WHO'S GRUMPY?!!!!!!! MOODY, WHAT DO YOU MEAN MOODY!!! I've never been grumpy in my life, how dare you say such a thing to me (sob).....oh God, I am grumpy, why am I so grumpy... (sob). I'm not nice anymore ...but it's not my fault - it the hormones you see, the hormones I tell you...they are controlling me.....IT'S THE BLOODY HORMONES, THE HORMONES... they have me in their evil grasp.....evil (sob) grasp...

How did I get like this? It was never meant to be like this? Did my mother go through this? I don't remember seeing her sweat? Was I so selfish and insensitive that I didn't notice her suffering? (Oh no, ....I was an insensitive daughter......(sob) could I have not noticed.....(blubber blubber) ......I'm an insensitive cow.......(major bawl session)..etc.

I'm sure I'm single-handedly responsible for keeping Kleenex in good business....

Don't argue with me, if you value life, limbs and your dangley bits just get out of my way!

Will screaming at the top of my lungs really help I wonder? Maybe I should punch cushions? Maybe I should just punch any unsympathetic male that gets in my way....mmmm....that option has possibilities....a certain appeal .....but it would require energy - have I got enough energy left to punch? Perhaps I'll punch tomorrow (where did I put the damn chocolate?) sigh...

Soooooo tired! Sleep, I vaguely remember's something I used to be able to do before my life was over......

God, I'm sweating so much I've fogged up my glasses. How is that possible!

Depressed, what would I have to be depressed about. It's normal to gain weight during menopause. At least I've now got somewhere upon which to rest my elbows.

Why is it that any cousellor they send you to for help with your minor menopausal mid life crisis is either barely out of kindergarten or looks like Elle McPherson on a really good day?

Why does Johnny Depp look prettier than me (be still my fluttering heart (or you'll have stroke))?

All any policeman would have to do to track a menopausal cat burglar would be to follow the sweat droplets on the pavement (or the smashed objects).

Favourite new phrase that exactly sums up how I feel about work, life, the universe: CARE FACTOR ZERO! Naturally this does not apply to cute, cuddly, furry little things. Mmm, and also to not so cute furry big things too, and animals, and whales, yes whales, I still care about them, oh and dolphins, dolphins too, and butterflies they're so beautiful they make me...(sob).... want (sob) cry (sob)...... WHERE'S THE BLOODY TISSUES WHEN YOU NEED ONE GRRRRR!!!!! .... where was I, what was I saying - oh yes - care factor zero - it's the rest of the planet with the exception of the above, that can go drop off and leave me alone......I think........but I'm not quite sure.......(sob, etc....AGAIN!.....sob)....ahh look a flower...isn't it pretty....(sob, sob, ad infinitum....)

You'd think something with a name like "rosacea" would be pretty to look at - like roses.

I am actually convinced that there has been a mistranslation of biblical texts. I think a whole section has been left out and it went something like this: "And God said unto Eve as he cast her from the garden, for your sin of wanting knowledge ye shall suffer the menopause and verily thou shalt drown in a sea of thine own sweat."

Stress + coffee + sugar = sweat.
Stress + coffee + sugar + chocolate = sweat + fat , but who cares.

If men went through menopause the following would have been invented millenia ago:

- a cooling fabric that miraculously absorbs moisture

- an automatically operated bed which monitors body temperature and gently removes and replaces sheets as required, whilst its occupant sleeps on blissfully undisturbed

- a booth you could step into which sprays you gently from base to apex all over with anti-perspirant which lasts 24 hours, isn't carcinogenic and won't cause alzheimers

- knickers with little sponges built into the elastic at the back to catch the sweat before it runs down between your cheeks

- non fogging glasses no matter the temperature or humidity either side of the lenses

- absorbent body powder that stays as powder and doesn't turn into something 2 seconds later that looks and feels like pancake mix spread over your skin

- mirrors that are programmed to reflect back a wrinkle, fat and hair free reflection

- long handled brushes for the painting of toe nails

- steel capped pretty shoes that let you kick the ...... out of anything you want without hurting your little pinkys

- more resilient cushion covers.

The only reason I can see that women haven't invented these things yet is because they don't realize they need them until menopause hits and by then its too late because menopausal brain rot is already setting in and they vaguely know there is something they should be doing, but are no longer capable of remembering what it is or how to do it.

Then again, I suppose if men had been gifted with menopause I guess they still wouldn't have invented the much needed abovementioned items for the same reason. Oh dear.....they'll probably never be invented unless we can convince some younger women to do it for us, and that's not going to happen either - have you ever tried explaining to a younger person what menopause is like - they just don't believe you (sob), they just don't understand (double sob), they think we are making it all up - that it can't be that bad (aaghhhhh life....etc. etc.).

I suppose all one can do when faced with the fact that men and younger women won't invent them for us either, is to make men's lives a misery and to comfort ourselves with thoughts of the wicked, evil, smug satisfaction we know we are going to feel later when those skinny, hairless, unwrinkled, always cold, unsympathetic young girls also hit menopause and we are able to say those long awaited words "See, I told you so and you wouldn't believe, it doesn't end any time soon.....mmmmm, 10 years at least, 10 long, long, itchy, sweaty years.....still, yep, sometimes even into their 80's.....pity someone didn't invent an automatic bed isn't, no deodorant will work..... " (ha, ha, haaaaaaah, haa..... my life is good....ha ha...not over.....ha....chuckle, snicker, chuckle...(sorry - a secret, rare moment of vengeful bliss) (mwaa haa haaaa - thought I'd throw in an evil laugh there as well....mmwhaaaaa haaaa haaaaaaaaa haaaaaa haaaaaaaa..)).

Well, as you can see from the above, it's been another fun morning here in menopause land. I think I'm going for a record today as it is only 9.30 and already I'm on my second t-shirt... (ho hum sigh....).

I offer no apologies for the tone of this blog - it's how I feel today (would you believe I blame menopause for it myself). Actually, I'm all by myself today as Ron has gone out (so I guess it doesn't matter that my libido has also done the same) and I better go and do something more important now like look for the coffee, chocolate or maybe perhaps a biscuit or two (ah comfort food). You know someone told me the other day, I can't remember who it was but they had it on good authority, that not only do broken Tim Tams not make you fat (and we all knew that), but that they are also great hormone balancers as well - how's that for a handy bit of information. I think I might just pop into the supermarket and pick myself up a packet of hormone replacement therapy.

This is not a group blog site, however if anyone else out there in menopause land is tearing their hair out in frustration (hopefully their chin hair - not what's left on their head which seems to disappear in direct ratio to the appearance of whiskers and eyebrows) and would like to contribute, I will happily place your words of wisdom (or whatever) in this blog - just email them to me or put them into the comments and I will transfer them to the blog. You may remain anonymous if you so choose. Feel free to circulate this to anyone else you feel might benefit from knowing that they are not the only one experiencing the joys of this fun time.

Cheers everyone (enjoy your broken Tim Tams).


Heres's a first comment from one of my friends (thanks AG) (and a link about the drug mentioned - I will leave readers to make up their own minds about the drug which I cannot use, but which may be of interest to others:

Excuse me? I thought you worked in a HEALTHFOOD STORE. Do such stores not have a veritable plethora of shelves full of menopausal remedies??? I seem to remember many years ago when I (briefly) entered that phase, you were swearing by all sorts of non-prescription, natural type cures, Black Cohosh being the only one I can recall all these years later. So what happened ??? Have you now decided that homeopathic remedies are not all they're cracked up to be, after all? You can buy a cool gel underlay for the bed which will stop the night sweats, & go on a low dose single HRT like Progynova. It doesn't cause cancer, & stops the day sweats, whiskers etc. etc. etc.

And another comment from another friend (thanks DM):

Hi Heather loved your article on Menopause. I found brushing your eyebrows up and cutting the the hairs that stray above one of the easiest ways to keep them in control, better than tying ribbons on them, besides, the ribbons get in the way of your glasses!


  1. Thanks girls - so glad my friends have good senses of humour - can always rely on them all for a giggle when you need one!

  2. Great is a period of confusion and more confusion...there are hormonal and mental changes which we aren't ever ready to take in...the best thing we can do for it is get better mental acceptance for the same.

  3. I found it informative and full of observations. symptoms of menopause may be shown in 30 and above like hot flashes, night sweats and insomnia. So may be we also can get information from this to avoid the circumstances of the menopause.

  4. Interesting discussion, But what i do, I am only 38 and feeling some insomnia which is sign of pre menopause. You should allow all those who feels that. Thanks